When an aging parent or family member needs care, the responsibility often falls on their adult children to make crucial decisions and typically care falls on one person. This can be a challenging time, not only due to the emotional weight of the situation but also because it often brings sibling conflicts to the forefront.
Differing opinions, financial concerns, and unresolved family dynamics can all play a role in creating tension. Especially when one is trying to honor the loved one’s wishes for care, which is conflict with one sibling who believes they know best. Add this on top of the mental stresses that come with caring for a loved one, it can cause distress and even pull families apart.
To keep that from happening, here are ways to navigate these conflicts and promote collaboration.
1. Acknowledge and Validate Emotions
Caregiving decisions can evoke a wide range of emotions—guilt, fear, resentment, and sadness. Not only are you all dealing with the sunset of a loved one’s life, but you all may be dealing with your own realizations on aging and future sunset.
It’s important to create a space where each sibling feels heard and validated. Start conversations with empathy and recognize that each person’s feelings are valid, even if their perspectives differ. This can alleviate any anxiety around the conversation while also ensuring everyone feels part of the conversation.
2. Define the Needs Clearly
Begin by assessing the caregiving needs of your loved one.
What kind of care do they require?
Is it medical, emotional, or logistical support?
Discussing these topics in depth helps everyone understand what is needed now and tomorrow. This is a good time to share conversations with doctors and experts, which can influence preconceived notions about care.
A clear understanding of their needs can help reduce misunderstandings and ensure everyone is working with the same information to make the best decisions.
3. Divide Responsibilities Fairly
Not all siblings can contribute equally, and fairness doesn’t always mean equality. One sibling might live closer and take on more hands-on caregiving, while another contributes financially or provides emotional support. Often times, the primary caregiver may not live close at all and carry the financial burden of traveling and time away from work and family. It’s important that this is recognized. That all contributions by each sibling are recognized.
Create a caregiving plan that considers each sibling’s strengths, availability, and circumstances. Collaborate to ensure everyone understands their role and responsibility.
4. Communicate Regularly and Transparently
Miscommunication is often a root cause of sibling conflicts. Establish regular check-ins, whether through phone calls, emails, video conferences, or in-person meetings. Use these opportunities to update each other on your loved one’s condition, revisit responsibilities, and address any concerns.
5. Set Boundaries and Ground Rules
Family dynamics can sometimes resurface old wounds. To prevent conflicts from escalating, agree on boundaries and ground rules for discussions. For instance, focus on the present situation rather than bringing up past grievances, and avoid making decisions without consulting the group.
You may even consider an agenda, of sorts, for discussions that includes an introductory “touch base” to allow everyone to express how they are feeling before diving into the topic(s) at hand. This way everyone is validated going into the discussion, reducing feelings of resentment.
6. Seek Professional Guidance
When disagreements become too heated, or you and your siblings are at an impasse, consider bringing in a neutral third party, such as a family therapist, pastor or faith-based leader, mediator, or elder care specialist. These professionals can help facilitate conversations and provide objective advice tailored to your family’s unique situation. In these cases, they can also help you talk through what’s happened, stop to hear one another and offer tools for dealing with future situations.
7. Practice Flexibility and Compassion
Circumstances can change quickly in caregiving situations, but also in one’s personal life, so it’s essential to remain adaptable. Life happens. Changes in work or emergencies with one’s own children do occur. Recognize that caregiving is a marathon, not a sprint, and support each other as best as you can.
Take a deep breath and approach conflicts with compassion, keeping in mind that everyone is navigating this challenging time in their own way.
8. Focus on the Shared Goal
Ultimately, all siblings want what is best for their loved one. Remind yourselves of this shared goal when tensions rise. Shifting the focus from individual differences to the collective objective can help bring clarity and unity to difficult decisions.
Final Thoughts
It’s important to remember that everyone deals with situations differently. As you process the eventual sunset of a loved one’s life, each sibling will cope in their own way. Even if one’s thoughts and ideas feel callous, it may just be their way of ensuring that your loved one is safe, secure and well cared for. However, it is a two way street and compromise is key.
Allow the primary caregiver who is present for the day to day to offer guidance and insight that you may not have. And stay open to changing your preconceived notions of what care should be to what is actually best for your loved one.
Handling conflicts among siblings about caregiving decisions isn’t easy, but it is possible with open communication, empathy, and a commitment to collaboration. By working together, siblings can honor their loved one’s needs while strengthening their family bond through this challenging journey.
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